BEING HELPFUL WITHOUT BEING IN CHARGE
The way I did it.
The chronicle of a fixer.
This experiment started with the best of intentions. After the church service last week, I stopped at the church café for a cup of coffee and noticed a sign on the counter asking for volunteer kitchen cooks.
“That’s an easy one,” I thought.
As soon as I got home, I signed up to join the kitchen committee. Just as I hit submit, I felt a pain in my stomach. What was I thinking? I don’t have time to be in charge of anything more right now. Ugh, did I make a mistake? I’ve always found it difficult to be part of a committee without taking charge.
My husband would say I’m a control freak. I don’t think I am, but it drives me crazy when “nobody” is in charge. I know this about myself. I can stomach about six minutes … MAX... of standing around waiting for someone to “start” a project before I have to interject. And everyone knows the one who starts the project is the one who’s in charge. Voilà … I put myself in charge.
The thing is, I’ve spent so much of my life as the person who notices what needs to be done, and then making sure it happens. It seems natural to me. Some might say that’s a gift, but every gift has a shadow side.
Shadow side #1: Not listening. I’ve been working on this dark truth for years. When someone tells me their troubles, or asks for help, I find it very hard not to go into fix-it mode. I’m getting better, I used to interrupt with attitude and let them know that, obviously, here’s your solution. These days, I might think of the solution—after all, old habits are hard to break—but not say anything. I must admit that staying silent may seem like I’m not adding value. Even so, I’ve learned that NOT sharing is sometimes the better choice. I want to be the person who asks, “Do you want me to listen, or help problem solve?”
Shadow side #2: Jumping in with both feet. The dark truth of being the first to act is often you find you’re the only one left in the room. People are generally all too happy to let you do it – whatever “it” may be. I’m thinking that I need to start a new ministry … a ministry of keeping my mouth shut!
So far, this experiment has been a mental exercise since I haven’t been called or scheduled for a kitchen shift yet. It’s now been a week, which seems longer than I would have expected. Then again, I remember the last time I volunteered in the kitchen … and I wonder if I might be on the “Do Not Call” list. The last time I volunteered, I signed up without knowing what the job duties were. When I arrived, I found out that I didn’t really have a job to do. So I took it upon myself to be helpful and found there were moldy cucumbers on the tossed salads. And I noticed several bags of mini potato chips had expired after sorting the bags in order of expiration. I later discovered that the kitchen manager was not at all impressed.
I’m not sure if I was intentionally not called to volunteer. However, experience has shown me that sometimes I need to help less. The adage “See something, say something” does not always apply.
The way I did it. Being helpful without being in charge.
This is part of what I’m calling Expeditionvision—my quest to find what a meaningful life looks like. One experiment per week: Possible strategies for a happier life. Trying things on purpose and paying attention to what happens. I’m not offering advice or giving instructions. I’m just sharing the way I did it. If there’s something that you’ve been wanting to try—but haven’t—I’d love to hear about it. I’m open to reader suggestions for future experiments.
Field Notes: For Paid Subscribers
Paid subscribers, I’ve added a short field notes section below with what surprised me the most, what I didn’t expect, what I might do next time, and things I’m still working on.