GRASS MAN
And other avoidance specialists.
It had to be almost a foot tall, and I was tempted to get a ruler and measure it for dramatic effect.
It’s also possible that I was exaggerating to get his attention. Just like the socks that pile up outside the dirty cloths hamper, and the toilet seat left forever in the up position. I couldn’t understand how he didn’t see it! Is it all husbands, or just mine, who refuse to let another man mow their lawn?
We’ve had the “talk” a million times. I even secretly hired the neighbor’s guy to mow our lawn once when he was out of town. My husband actually got mad about that! Go figure. The reasons not to hire professional lawn care don’t pan out. Often, finances are said to be the reason … but I know that is just an excuse to cover his pride.
When comparing the lawns in our neighborhood, there seem to be two approaches—the over and the under.
The overs, as in overachievers, are the neighbors who have perfectly even two-inch-high lawns, including manicured sharp edges and no stray shoots growing into their fence lines. The overs’ yards aren’t always done by professional companies. I have it on good authority that at least one of our neighbors personally spends hours and hours seeking yard perfection. I can’t believe that anyone thinks the lawn could be that important … I bet he’s avoiding something else.
And I can relate to that.
Whenever I bake, it’s because I’m avoiding doing something else. I used to love to bake, but now that the kids are gone, I end up feeling guilty when I spend hours in the kitchen. Not only because I’ve wasted an entire afternoon making a cake but also because I end up eating the whole thing myself!
The unders—you guessed it—the underachievers, can be found dragging the mower around in the dark on a Monday night. Having spent the weekend doing anything else. Worried about the stares and glares from passing neighbors, the mower finally makes an appearance. My husband is the leader of this group. It’s not uncommon for him to postpone the inevitable for days with excuses. It might rain, it’s too hot, there’s no gas, and the real reason … he just doesn’t want to waste his day off!
Last week, as unbelievable as it may sound, I mowed the lawn. I couldn’t take it anymore when I lost my pool flipper in the tall grass. It’s not like I’ve never mowed the grass; it’s just something I haven’t done in a while. And you know what? It wasn’t that bad. I think I might have done too good a job, which will only sabotage my efforts to hire professionals! I enjoyed being outside, even when I cut my leg when the weed whacker string flew off at a thousand miles per hour.
Note to self: Next time, wear pants.
Wait! I don’t want there to be a next time. I must be drunk on gas fumes…
I am definitely not a grass man.
