I gave my husband compliments for a week.
This week’s experiment was going to test the theory: Would giving one positive, intentional compliment a day make a difference?
A recent email from a friend had me rethinking some things. She sent me a link to Dr. Julie and John Gottman’s relationship method. One part in particular caught my attention—the 5:1 ratio, which recommends five positive interactions for each negative interaction.
You see, the last time I saw my friend, I was complaining about how much my husband didn’t do. It was so easy to collect evidence of everything that he does wrong! I had fallen back into bad habits.
When the kids first left the nest, I was alone, feeling sorry for myself, and blaming my husband. It was just the two of us. I was projecting my feelings and picking fights with him, which could lead to roads we didn’t want to venture down.
Years later, I was repeating the same mistakes. I was allowing other stressors—work, family, and money—to get under my skin, and I was taking it out on him. I knew I could do better. I also wondered how far behind I was on the ratio! Just last week, I complained to him about:
· Our yard, with its embarrassingly long grass.
· How the kitchen fills up with smoke when he cooks.
· Not cleaning up after himself.
And you know what? None of that really matters. And truth be told, I do the same things!
So, this week …
I thanked him for buying a new lawn mower and listened as he explained its benefits, pointed to the rear-wheel drive, and marveled at the amount of oil the engine took. Then I made a point of noticing how nice the freshly mowed lawn looked and told him … out loud.
He has one favorite recipe that he cooks for dinner. It’s a veggie burrito bowl with sauteed onions and peppers and black beans. He loves to use the cast-iron pan and cook on high heat. Rather than complaining about how smoky the kitchen was, I praised his healthy recipe for being so much better than takeout and promptly set the table for dinner.
For weeks, we’ve been working on organizing our home office. There are so many boxes of books and papers that the process has become overwhelming. His method of organizing is to move stacks from the office to other rooms in the house. As you can imagine, that drives me crazy. So this week, I made a point to notice that he sorted the closet and made a pile of clothes to donate. I knew this was difficult for him. Some of the clothes were his dad’s.
Three compliments in, and I was on a roll. I noticed his new blue golf shirt and told him it brought out the blue in his eyes. I thanked him for taking the dog to the park, even though he was so busy at work. I clapped and thanked him for making my job of cleaning the pool easier when he delivered a new bucket of chlorine for the pool!
This week of giving compliments illustrated another Gottman principle: appreciation is a reciprocal cycle. People who feel appreciated tend to become more appreciative and responsive. I had become accustomed to the good stuff and had stopped noticing it.
The way I did it. Hero of the day.
This is part of what I’m calling Expeditionvision—my quest to find what a meaningful life looks like. One experiment per week: Possible strategies for a happier life. Trying things on purpose and paying attention to what happens. I’m not offering advice or giving instructions. I’m just sharing the way I did it. If there’s something that you’ve been wanting to try—but haven’t—I’d love to hear about it. I’m open to reader suggestions for future experiments.
Field Notes: For Paid Subscribers
Paid subscribers, I’ve added a short field notes section below with what surprised me the most, what I didn’t expect, what I might do next time, plus things I’m still working on.