HEY ME! GET OUT OF MY WAY!

It's time to stop planning, and start thinking...

Things just feel different.

Sure, the weather has changed, and school is out, and tourists are filling the beaches and boutiques.

But that’s not it.

As you know, I’m going to be a grandmother! And our daughter has finally set a date for her wedding! Two amazingly wonderful things.

But that’s not it.

Four years ago, I admitted to being crippled by loneliness and fear, and I set out to rediscover my life after kids. Before I could make any progress, however, I knew I had to stop the negative self-talk. I needed to remember the happy times, the good times. I needed to prove to myself that I still mattered, even though the kids had left the nest. My hope was that in writing my stories and sharing my memories … and even a few cautionary tales, I could dig myself out of the morass … and perhaps my stories might even serve as a bit of inspiration. I felt truly gratified when I published over 100 stories in my first book.

Writing my stories down definitely helped me move on from those initial fears. But as a self-proclaimed fixer, I felt like I needed to DO something. Identifying fear wasn’t enough. I wanted to solve the problem.

In my next 100 stories, I shared some of my past loves like cooking, designing, and gardening—and I pushed myself to take action. The plan was to reclaim my identity and find a renewed sense of purpose. But first, I needed to reconnect with my vision and my values. I reminded myself that happiness was not a backup plan. I proclaimed that happiness was a choice and that the choice was mine. I even coined a new word—“Expeditionvision”.

As it turns out, and not unexpectedly, my expedition to find a new vision has not been a highway with a straight line from point A to point B. This road has meandered through the construction zones of daily life. Orange cones of responsibility and commitment sometimes blocked the way and rerouted my journey. This process, the process of fixing myself, was taking an awfully long time. I began to feel impatient and even exasperated.

Photo by Zoshua Colah on Unsplash

Vowing not to lose any more time, I tried to fix the problem by throwing money at it and hiring several business and life coaches. All had some wonderful ideas, complete with workbooks and charts … and you know how I feel about workbooks and charts … I love them! A lot! I’m sure that quite a few of their ideas might have been winners had I given them a chance.

But still, something didn’t feel right.

As the Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung said, “What you resist, persists.” I was stubborn, acting like a lone wolf, and willing myself to find the answers. I was sure I could figure it out better myself. And I set out to plot my future on a spreadsheet and follow the steps to success. With tenacity and grit, I probably could have made it work.

But we’re not in this world alone. We need other people. We need to show compassion and have faith. The sign of a good life is not how well we go it alone; it’s how we show up for other people. Aha…I thought I had found the missing piece.

The difference is … I’m ready to be done.

Done feeling lonely. Done being afraid that without the kids, I have no purpose. Done beating myself up for where I am in life. Done feeling sorry for myself and done blaming my husband.

And that is how I now find myself packing for a mission trip to Africa.

Continuing to do the same thing and expecting a different result is not going to work. It’s time to stop planning and start thinking. I didn’t realize there was a difference. What I’ve now discovered is that, for me, it’s the difference between impulsiveness and meditation. The first is a form of avoidance, while the latter can be freeing and enlightening.

So, I say…

Hey, me! Get out of my way!