JUDGING A FRIEND BY HER LOVER
And other things that are hard to resist.
As the double doors of the beautiful mediterranean estate swung open, she stepped out onto the travertine patio on the arm of her dashing young surgeon.
She presented a striking silhouette in a gown of purple, green, and gold geometric shapes that could only be Versace, and which complemented her youthful, edgy style. All eyes were glued on them as they strode through the party guests to the bandstand to welcome everyone properly.
The scene could easily have been mistaken for a clip from that infamous TV show, The Housewives of Beverly Hills. Many of the guests had purchased tickets simply to see The Villa and its new owners and whispered sensational things to each other as the couple passed.
But … she was my friend.
The assumptions and gossip weren’t true. I knew her to be very down to earth—as comfortable in gardening clogs and work gloves as she appeared to be in that exquisite evening dress. I also knew that she was successful and talented in her own right. However, those who didn’t know her personally found it impossible not to label her as a trophy wife and questioned if her natural beauty was merely a result of plastic surgery, believing that she landed in her position with a lack of education and experience, not because she had, in fact, those attributes.
I’d like to criticize this rush to judgment and those who were dispensing it, but I’m embarrassed to admit that, even though I may not have been one of the sensationalists that evening at The Villa, I’ve participated in similar gossip in the past.
Why do we do that? Why do we give credit or disapproval to women based on the men in their lives? Why is a woman married or similarly attached to a neurosurgeon superior to one whose significant other is a lawn guy? I’ve had more occasions to interact with a lawn guy than a neurosurgeon.
But I think I know why so many of us find it hard not to make such judgments …
Money.
Just like the lyrics of the popular ABBA song “Money, Money, Money”, we’re all obsessed with having it or not having it. For better or for worse (and probably for worse), I’ve fallen into the trap of critiquing women according to the amount of money I think the men in their lives have accumulated.
Now that my kids, as my husband likes to say, are “off the books,” we have a little more disposable income. That’s a funny phrase, isn’t it? Disposable income. Even though we have a little more in our bank account at the end of each month, I don’t think about being able to throw money away! And I know that having a little more money hasn’t made me more important or valuable. Besides, no matter how much we may have, there is always a couple that has more.
And I suspect those feelings are similar for women who are in relationships with business moguls or celebrities … at least among the women I consider to be my friends. I’ve yet to meet a couple that says they have enough of the almighty dollar, or that believe they are better people because of it.
And so, my friends, I share this tale and my experience to encourage you to consider whether you too have been judging a friend by her lover.
Guilty! But I repent pretty fast!🥺😊