ONE HUNDRED FIFTY

Weeks of Empty Mess!

This week marks my one-hundred-and-fiftieth consecutive weekly post!

For almost three years, I’ve shared my stories and memories here on Substack. On the one hand, I’m so pleased I’ve done it! But fairly quickly, I resort to beating myself up for all the things I haven’t done.

Looking back a year ago when I posted the story ONE HUNDRED, I vowed to have my online store up and running this year, and to post videos of Things I Forgot to Teach My Kids. Well, this year is more than halfway over, if we go by the calendar year, and even more so if I start counting from the day I launched Empty Mess … and I haven’t done either of those things. I feel like I’m living someone else’s life. It’s just not like me to be struggling like this.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

As I sat kicking myself under the table, I remembered another story I wrote, THE “M” WORD, a story of my three stages of life, each beginning with the letter “M”—Marriage-Mommy-Menopause.

When I first got married, I was determined to be the perfect wife. My house would be beautifully decorated and remain spotlessly clean. I would have home cooked meals on the table when my husband got home from work, and I would always have my hair and nails done and looking just right. The thing I didn’t plan for was how I would fit into this ideal picture that I had created.

Then, when I had children, I did the same thing. I was determined to have the perfect family life, right down to the handmade matching pajamas on Christmas morning! A Christmas morning photo I may not have been in, because I didn’t let myself be photographed for a number of years. Which is proof that, yet again, I made a plan that didn’t allow for where I fit into the picture.

As I’ve shared in my stories, I know now that those ideas of perfection were naive and idealistic and not how things actually turn out. But even if I could travel back in time, I wouldn’t change a thing.

Now, according to my doctor, I’m well into the third stage—MENOPAUSE—and I have to tell you it’s been a real kick in the teeth! Last year I wrote about being my own advocate and meeting this challenge head on … which, given my history of putting myself last, was a good goal. But it has been hard to put into practice.

When I launched Empty Mess three years ago, I was struggling with loneliness and feeling a lack of purpose without the kids at home. I was afraid I was going to forget everything and shared with you that it was easy for me to look back and see only the hard times, and to find fault with my husband. Today, I’m not struggling with those feelings anymore. Writing my stories down and remembering the happy moments have been such positive experiences for me, and I hope this has encouraged you to do the same.

Last year, I made some promises to myself that I haven’t been able to keep. Rather than do that again this year, I’m going to try to do better and take the advice of my good friend Tara and enjoy the ride!

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