PERFECT

And other unattainable goals.

Magazines had been arriving in my mailbox for several months, even though I hadn’t ordered them. Maybe someone sent them as a gift? Was someone trying to tell me something? Vogue magazine isn’t one I read regularly. Vogue models are impossibly thin, with sad, vacant expressions featuring styles I could never afford.

As teenagers, we learned everything from the pages of magazines. We clipped pictures from Tiger Beat and pasted them to the inside of our lockers, where the big smiles of Ralph Macchio and Rick Springfield would greet us between classes. We would anxiously anticipate the next copy of Seventeen so we could take the quiz to find out if we had the “IT” factor or learn “how to tell if a boy likes you.” In high school, we read Cosmopolitan and practiced kissing into a pillow and perfecting our posture by endlessly walking back and forth in the living room with books balanced on our heads.

The next stage of my magazine infatuation was with Martha Stewart. I thought that with her advice, I could perhaps rise to her level of cooking, party planning, and decorating. I even had a note taped to the inside of my cabinet that said, “What would Martha do?” It was fun trying new recipes and craft projects. Martha gave me the confidence to throw many great parties!

This year, the magazine pages are showing “new” fashions … like wide leg trousers, body suits, and shoulder pads, which look like repeats of the 1980s to me. Have you noticed how fashion, music, and even decorating styles seem to be repeating themselves?

But the real theme, the goal of all these magazines is to make you believe that if you wear the newest fashions, throw parties like Martha, or feng shui your living room just right—with all of their suggested products, of course—you will be happy.

There’s a name for this: the arrival fallacy. The term was coined by psychologist Dr. Tal Ben-Shahar and refers to the belief that attaining a particular goal will lead to long-term happiness. It is the idea that “I will be happy when….”

It encourages the belief that more stuff will create happiness … like living like a celebrity or winning the lottery. Or that a new car will make you feel successful, or lounging around all day with nothing to do will be blissful. That last one, lounging around all day, is something my husband and I have talked about. Not for right now—we’re both still working—but when we retire. Now that the kids have flown the coop, the next life stage is retirement. Right? And we’ve talked about what that will be like, having nothing to do. Which isn’t really the same as doing nothing. Because, if I’m being truthful, having nothing to do stresses me out!

The most important thing about Dr. Tal Ben-Shahar’s research is that the arrival fallacy is not grounded in reality. Meaning, it’s NOT TRUE! Sure, having more money will allow you to take a vacation or drive a new car. Both things will make you happy for a little while. But when it wears off, you are right back where you started, looking for the next high.

The conclusion of his research has made me feel a little better. Dr. Ben-Shahar said, “The No. 1 predictor of happiness” is the “quality time we spend with people we care about and who care about us. In other words, relationships.”

This is really good news. We can stop trying to be perfect!