RELATIONSHIP PRACTICE
The way I did it.
I called a friend.
Have you ever said this … “We should get together soon.” I’ve said it a thousand times, and I’ve meant it. But the reality is, it usually doesn’t happen.
So, this week, I made the call and invited a friend to meet at a fun local wine bar.
I just did it. For once, I ignored that little voice that looks over my shoulder and says, “She’s probably busy. I don’t want to bother her. I don’t want to seem desperate or admit that I don’t have anything to do.”
It was so easy! We went to Beach + Vine, a cute wine bar on the beach. The space was so comfy and cozy. We lounged on an ocean blue velvet loveseat surrounded by sand-colored pillows. Paintings by local artists decorated the walls, and the coffee table had nostalgic menus and postcards displayed under the glass. I ate the entire plate of delicious cheese and olives. My friend was going to dinner later that night; she didn’t want to spoil her appetite, so she took a pass on the food.
We had a great time catching up. We talked about our kids, our work, our exercise plans—or lack thereof—the lotions we like, the proteins we don’t, and if we would really have plastic surgery! I can’t tell you her answer, but mine is still a “not yet.”
For a long time now, years even, it seems like I haven’t seen my friends like I used to. It was so easy then … we were at the same places … at the sports field, at the recital, at play groups, and celebrating at birthday parties.
I’ve longed for the easy, incidental connections that I gained through my kids. They gave me community and identity. We are Moms, and we were in this together! The kids are long gone, and those easy moments don’t happen anymore. Who am I without kids … and does that even matter?
The feelings of connectedness have also waned. One day, I found myself asking, “Where is my community?” And here’s the scientific part of things. Social activity lowers the risk of depression, dementia, stroke, and heart disease. Wow!
There are many studies that say that community matters. One of my favorites is the Harvard Study of Adult Development. The study, which began in 1938, is often called the longest-running scientific study of happiness, health, and longevity. A synopsis of the study suggests that the single most important factor for long-term health and happiness is the quality of close relationships. Not how much money we make, not how clean or big and beautiful our house is. AND, this is important—marriage quality matters more than marital status.
This week’s experiment was a challenge to the question of whether a planned meeting could replace the spontaneous meetings of my parenting days. And I’d answer with a resounding Yes! My relationships didn’t fade because love faded. They faded because the structure disappeared. When the kids left home, the invisible scaffolding vanished.
But I also know it is not a one-and-done kind of thing; it’s ongoing. Building and maintaining relationships is kind of like exercising or eating healthy. I’m going to have to practice and make it part of my routine.
The way I did it. Relationship practice.
This is part of what I’m calling Expeditionvision—my quest to find what a meaningful life looks like. One experiment per week, possible strategies for a happier life. Trying things on purpose and paying attention to what happens. I’m not offering advice or giving instructions. I’m just sharing the way I did it. If there’s something that you’ve been wanting to try—but haven’t—I’d love to hear about it. I’m open to reader suggestions for future experiments.
Field Notes: For Paid Subscribers
Paid subscribers, I’ve added a short field notes section below with what surprised me the most, what I didn’t expect, what I might do next time, and things I’m still working on.