There were red taillights as far as the eye could see.
Groups of people stood on either side of the road, holding American flags and hand-painted signs. After a flash of confusion … or let’s call it what it really was—IRRITATION—What was going on ?? … I remembered that the president of the United States was holding a political rally in our town that day.
I also remembered something I heard recently: you’re not stuck in traffic, you are traffic.
How often does the president of the United States come to your hometown? Regardless of your political affiliation, there’s something special about having the leader of our country just down the road. I won’t say that made me less irritated, at least not initially. But it did remind me of the parable of the two wolves.
A grandfather is explaining to his grandson that two wolves are fighting inside him. One represents anger, envy, resentment, greed, and self-pity. The other represents joy, peace, love, kindness, compassion, and gratitude. The grandson asks, “Which wolf will win?” The grandfather answers, “The one you feed.”
It would have been so easy to cast blame and allow my irritation to grow and grow until my blood was boiling. My inner irritated wolf was thinking about the inconvenience—I had places to go and people to see. But then, my appreciative wolf thought about the significance of the moment and respected the time and effort my neighbors had taken to stand along the president’s route.
That inner dialog has fueled my Empty Mess journey. At the start, I challenged what I was doing with my life. I questioned myself: Am I allowed to miss my children and love my empty-nest life? Am I allowed to have ambitions and enjoy an ordinary afternoon? Am I allowed to want something different without canceling my previous life?
This year I’ve been testing the waters with my Expeditionvision experiments—things I can try that might make my life happier, healthier, and more meaningful. In my recent essay, Thirty-Nine and Counting, I recognized that maybe the goal wasn’t to find more things to do. Maybe it was to discover which things were worth doing.
Marie Kondo became famous for having us sort our possessions by asking if they brought joy to our lives. What if I applied this technique to my thoughts instead of my possessions?
Does this irritation and worry deserve my attention? Does this resentment deserve another afternoon? Does replaying an unpleasant conversation make me happier, kinder, or more interesting to be around? And if the answer is no, why do I keep feeding it?
I can’t control the traffic, the people holding signs, or the circumstances that interrupted my perfectly planned day. And I certainly can’t control everything that happens in my life.
But I can recognize that sometimes I’m not stuck in traffic, I am traffic—and pay attention to the stories I tell myself about those things. Both wolves are still here. I suspect they always will be. The difference is that I’m finally paying attention to which one I invite to dinner.
The way I did it. The One You Feed.
This is part of what I’m calling Expeditionvision—my quest to find what a meaningful life looks like. One experiment per week: Possible strategies for a happier life. Trying things on purpose and paying attention to what happens. I’m not offering advice or giving instructions. I’m just sharing the way I did it. If there’s something that you’ve been wanting to try—but haven’t—I’d love to hear about it. I’m open to reader suggestions for future experiments.
Field Notes: For Paid Subscribers
Paid subscribers, I’ve added a short field notes section below with what surprised me the most, what I didn’t expect, what I might do next time, plus things I’m still working on.