WORSE THAN THAT

Can anybody tell me - What comes between the meat and potato diet and the kale and quinoa diet?

January 10^th. That’s the day I ran out of chocolate.

I started squirreling away individually wrapped morsels in October. Halloween candy lasted through November, when, conveniently, it was time to load in the Christmas candy. Every year on or about January 11^th, I vow not to do the same thing again ... but for twenty years or so I’ve repeated the pattern. And every year, I do pretty good for months. The candy jar stays empty … but then the air turns a little colder, Halloween decorations start to appear and I can’t resist that orange and black packaging. It calls to me!

Another thing that has happened for twenty years or so is that we don’t have trick-or-treaters threatening to toss toilet paper in our trees if we don’t fork over some candy. I can count on one hand the number of kids that have ventured down our street. Yet there I was again last year, standing in the candy aisle rationalizing, “But, what if this year we do have kids showing up at our door?”

So, I bought two jumbo bags of my favorite candy.

This candy stash sits until mid-November, when once again, the tiny cellophane packages call out to me. Is it strange to buy candy for your own Christmas stocking? There is one Christmas candy staple that I don’t buy for myself—the chocolate orange. My husband has taken on the responsibility of securing this delicacy. The most sought-after variety is shaped like a real orange and wrapped in a deceivingly accurate shade of aluminum foil with specific instructions - remove from the protective cardboard box and strike forcefully on a flat surface to release the individual wedges. Yum … chocolate heaven. The candy stash location isn’t a secret, but we do have one steadfast rule: It is forbidden to eat the last piece of the other’s favorite!

So now it’s January 11^th, time to stop indulging in sweet treats and comfort food dinners of meat, potatoes, and gravy. But stopping cold turkey is hard … pun intended ... kale and quinoa just don’t sound as good! I wish there was an in-between food pyramid or a scale to help us all ease back into healthy eating.

My husband loves to play the game that I call Ridiculous/Hypothetical. He will pose the question, “If you were stuck in Alaska on a remote glacier, would you rather have a sled dog or a fishing pole?” The only thing that comes to mind is that I would never be alone in Alaska stuck on a remote glacier. He knows I think this game is a waste of time, but he loves to push my buttons. So I thought I’d try to flip the tables on him and ask, “Which is better, a hamburger with a salad or a pizza with a salad?” And he responded, “Both are bad choices.” Well, who’s the kill joy now?

But seriously, how can I ease back into healthy eating if there are no intermediary menu plans? Rarely are things just black and white. Why isn’t there something between my glutton diet and  kale and quinoa?  I’m looking for a book that tells me what is better, a hamburger and a salad or a pizza and a salad.  

Is it too much to ask for the worse-than-that diet?

Photo by Jed Owen on Unsplash